An Author's Biggest Fear

I don't know if you know this little tidbit, but after an author finishes a book, they are supposed to do something private and wonderful to celebrate the completion of a creation.

Steven King smokes an expensive cigar. I think I read that years ago. It was something like that.

And it supposed to be a very private moment.

Just you, yourself and a pile of pages that is now a book.

Your creation. Your baby. Your gift to the world.

Think of the words 'book release'. Well, nothing quite sums it up like those words.

Release - to give away to the world, to let go.

And risk being told that what you actually did was write a bunch of useless crap.

Only the very brave put their most intimate thoughts in words on paper for the world to see.

I rarely think what I write is great. Others tell me it is, but I always doubt it on some level.

They tell me all artists are critical of their work.

Maybe so.

After I finished Recession Proof Yourself! I realized that I had no ritual.

I don't drink.

I don't smoke.

This made me panic a bit, because I knew the book wouldn't be complete without some sort of ceremony to celebrate it's birthing process.

My husband was away so privacy wasn't an issue. I decided to take on a small art project as a ceremony and make a small collage about the book.

This was no easy task, let me tell you.

I am NOT artistic at all.

No, seriously, I'm not.

I can't even draw a stick figure. People confuse my stick figures for Chinese symbols because they don't look like people at all.

Standing at Michael's craft shop I felt like a total impostor. Surely, they would all know that I had no business being here since I was buying stickers and poster board.

I spent hours with glue, tacks and chicken wire to put it together, but when it was done, it was beautiful.

On gold paper, were quotes to remind me of the importance of what I was doing and how this was about others.

And it was to remind me to release it - let it go and let it fall where it may. Some will like it. Others will not.

One quote read: First say to yourself what would you be; and then do what you have to do.

Another read: The greatest use of a LIFE is to spend it on something that outlasts it.

That one always make me tear up because my own mortality hits home.

I had no children. No part of me to pass on.

I have no tribe.

I'm the cheese that stands alone.

Cancer reminds you that you don't get to live forever, and if I only had one last breath, this is what I would be honestly doing with my life - helping those in transition.

And I never get to quite forget my bout with cancer, because every six months I get another skin screen from the Good Doctor, who smiles every time he sees me.

We're pals.

We've been through a lot.

Me, him and his scalpel.

I silently pray that he is really looking at me when he does his examination.
I hope he never mistakes a freckle for a spot that grew and slowly rotted out my insides only to hear, "Sorry, Elizabeth. We didn't catch it. Your stage four."

But they can never take my words away, written on the pages.

I will have left something behind, much bigger than me.

I will have lived a life that mattered.

To someone.

To that someone who bought the book.

There was no cigar smoke that day, nor a thimble full of good scotch to toast.

Instead, a sign hangs in my bedroom, reminding me each morning to get the book out there, and do what I have to do.